by Dave Pell of electablog and NextDraft

Milking It

One of the downsides to writing a weekly column that comes out on Thursdays is that, sometimes, it is almost impossible to wait that long to get in on a mega-proportioned global discussion that sweeps across the nation (and maybe the world), featuring intellectual excitement, deep thoughts, civic energy, grass roots activism, corporate wrangling, media obsessions and warrants, we must all agree, our undivided attention. When society is pressed into such a worldwind of psychic output, it is difficult (after a few minutes let alone a few days) to come up with a meaningful take that hasn't already been took. That being said, I really hope it's not too late for me to write just a few words about Janet Jackson's booby.

It is difficult to know where to begin given that the incident hits so squarely (roundly?) in my key areas of interest: Football, Media, Modern Dance, Entertainment, Politics, and Jugs. With that in mind here are a few random takes about the frontal disclosure and the outbursts that followed:

Let's get one thing out of the way. It was planned. I haven't used the old "I exposed your breasts due to a wardrobe malfunction" excuse since seventh grade.

First CBS blamed MTV. Then MTV blamed Janet Jackson. MTV blaming Janet for a salacious act is like a pimp complaining that one of his employees is freelancing.

"No" promised MTV execs when asked if they were in on the exposure plot. Of course not. They merely told the performers to sing suggestive lyrics while grinding their asses into each other's crotches. No one even hinted that things would get inappropriate.

If your young child must be exposed to questionable content, which would be worse: Three hours celebrating a game where the core purpose is to aggressively and violently collide with another person and because of which the life expectancy of its participants is somewhere south of 60 years (thanks to the weekly beatings they take on the field), or a millisecond of bare knocker?

I wouldn't be surprised if Cialis demanded their advertising money back. They showed about twenty ads for a product that makes sure men are ready for intimate moments. Now the whole country has had a woody for going on five days. During the Pro Bowl, expect to see ads for drugs that treat priapism.

Diddy is untouchable.

Among the winners in all of this has to be Panther kicker John Kasay. No one has even had time to mention that kickoff that went out of bounds and helped seal the Pats place in NFL history.

Colin Powell has spent the last year trying to manage the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Now his son, the FCC's Michael Powell, has launched an investigation to get to the bottom of the nipple caper. Knowing this family's recent luck, I'd be surprised if Michael Powell can find the bra clasp.

This was the highest rated SuperBowl in six years though it was one of the worst match-ups on paper. Didn't like the halftime show? With numbers like this, next year's halftime show will look like a director's cut of Caligula.

After much pressure, Janet Jackson released a statement that read: "MTV was completely unaware of it. It was not my intention that it go as far as it did. I apologize to anyone offended -- including the audience, MTV, CBS and the NFL." Come on. No one could offend a major broadcast network, MTV and an organization like the Coor's Twins sponsored NFL. No one. Not even a Jackson.

Due to an unforseen sequence of events, it turns out that a new Janet Jackson single was released to radio stations on Monday. What a weird coincidence. Releasing a song the very day after the incident, what with the folks so offended and all.

On the plus side, at least Janet Jackson doesn't have to be nervous about telling her parents what happened. Probably not likely to get a huge reaction in that family these days.

AOL paid millions to sponsor the halftime show and now they want their money back. Guess they were hoping for more exposure?

The legal angle: Not too much has been made of this yet, but I hear that Lil' Kim just filed a copyright infringement lawsuit.

The Grammy Awards? Believe it or not Janet has been uninvited from the show this weekend. Apparently the Grammy organizers and CBS want to avoid anything that could be perceived as sexual or in bad taste. With that in mind, this year's show will feature nothing but a three-hour acoustic set by Neil Sedaka.

On Wednesday night, Joe Scarborough devoted his entire hour on MSNBC to the Janet story. Among others, he welcomed the smooth stylings and nonsensical ramblings of Dr. Laura and MTV's former in-house shrink, Dr. Drew Pinsky. These people who have done such massive and irreparable damage to the American thought process actually have the nerve to make a big deal out of the desecration of a halftime show. We really have lost our minds.

And why do you think the cable newsies and entertainment hypocrites spent so much time covering this story? For the same exact reason that Double J shook her booty in Houston. Ratings. At least she admits what she's selling.

You know, a couple times during part of the conservative coverage I could have sworn I saw signs of some very intense excitement on Scarborough's person. Later he explained away those moments by saying that he fell victim to a zipper malfunction.

The biggest loser in an this? By far, Paris Hilton. There had to be a moment within hours after the Jackson incident when she said to herself, "Holy crap, you mean I didn't even have to go all the way?"

Wait a second. What about all the people who doled out cash to watch the Lingerie Bowl during halftime and then ended up missing all this? Now that's funny.

Speaking of offensive, we shouldn't let the halftime show overshadow the horrors we witnessed during pre-game. Old bands, old songs. Is Aerosmith really still performing live? The pre-game performance finally gave an answer to an age-old rock 'n roll riddle. Is there any downside if your drummer lives?

Give Howard Dean this much. If Janet had been raised in his state of Vermont, I'm pretty sure that Medicare would cover mental health-related costs for the entire Jackson clan.

Let's not get so caught up in this meaningless little moment in time that we fail to absorb the real lesson of that magical Sunday: America loves Beyonce.

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